Why Men’s Mental Health Still Gets Overlooked
Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash
If you’re a man who has ever felt alone but didn’t think you could talk about it, you’re not imagining things. Society often tells men to tough it out, to be the rock for others, to carry pain quietly. These messages might not be shouted out loud, but they’re everywhere—in how boys are raised, how men are portrayed, and in the way support systems are built.
Recently, Channel NewsAsia published a feature on male survivors of sexual trauma. One man described feeling as though he had failed as a man. That shame kept him from seeking help. His story is not unusual. Men often fall through the cracks—not because they don’t suffer, but because their suffering is rarely recognised in ways that feel safe or acceptable to respond to.
Why Men Stay Silent
Many men grow up learning that emotions like fear, sadness, or tenderness should be hidden. Even in crisis, the instinct might be to “suck it up.” For some, asking for help feels like losing control. For others, there’s simply no language for what they’re feeling.
Judith Butler, a well-known gender theorist, once said that “Masculine and feminine roles are not biologically fixed but socially constructed performances.” It’s a script we’re constantly acting out—and for men, that often means bottling up. When society expects men to be strong, silent, and self-sufficient, there’s little space to express vulnerability without feeling like you're breaking character.
The result? Emotional needs get buried. Shame grows. And often, no one notices until something breaks.
The Hidden Toll on Older Men
Two recent studies from Singapore paint a sobering picture. A 2020 study led by Takagi, Saito, and Chan found that older men who lacked strong friendships or who didn’t live with a spouse were significantly more likely to feel lonely. And unlike older women, who often stayed connected through family or religious networks, men were more vulnerable when those roles faded. They often didn’t know how to build support systems outside of work or family roles they once held.
Another study, published in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, went a step further. It found that loneliness in older adults wasn’t just emotionally painful—it literally shortened their lives. At age 60, men who reported feeling lonely had 5 fewer healthy years compared to those who didn’t. And they spent more of their remaining years in poor health or unable to function independently.
In other words, loneliness doesn’t just break the heart. It breaks the body too.
What Gets in the Way of Seeking Help?
There are practical reasons men hesitate to reach out. Some worry they won’t be believed. Others fear judgment or being misunderstood. Some carry legal anxieties about being misinterpreted when discussing sensitive topics in therapy. Many have never seen another man model what emotional openness looks like.
Even in therapy, gender dynamics can be complex. Some male clients feel more at ease talking about fatherhood, sex, or work stress with another man. Others are afraid to look weak in front of a woman. None of this means they are unwilling. It means they’ve been conditioned to measure themselves by rules that no longer serve them—but feel too risky to abandon.
It’s Not Weakness to Want to Be Seen
None of us were meant to live in isolation. Beneath all the armor, most men want the same thing anyone else does—to be known, accepted, and able to speak without fear of judgment.
In therapy, I offer a space where you don’t have to perform. You don’t have to be the strong one. You don’t need the answers. You just need to show up—and we can start from there.
If you’ve been carrying something for a long time, maybe now is the time to let someone carry it with you.
Ready to talk?
Reach out to me for a confidential, no-pressure consultation. You don’t have to do this alone.
References
Butler, J. (1990). Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity. Routledge.
Channel NewsAsia (2024). He felt ashamed, like he had ‘failed as a man’: Why male victims of sexual crime face unique challenges. Retrieved from https://www.channelnewsasia.com/today/big-read/male-victims-sexual-crime-trauma-5267231
Malhotra, R., et al. (2021). Loneliness and health expectancy among older adults: A longitudinal population-based study. Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, 1–11.
Takagi, E., Saito, Y., & Chan, A. (2020). Gender differences in the association between social relationships and loneliness among older adults in Singapore. Journal of Population Research, 37, 243–263.
